WDB HAS FAILURE OF AIRSPD AND ALTIMETER READINGS. RETURN LAND.

Narrative

CAPT'S AIRSPD INDICATOR FAILED TO COME ALIVE ON TKOF ROLL (FO FLYING; I IN THE FE SEAT). AS WE WERE ABOVE 100 KIAS; CONTINUED THE TKOF; I GIVING SPD CALLOUTS. THE CAPT'S AIR DATA COMPUTER HAD JUST BEEN WORKED ON; ACCORDING TO THE ACFT LOG; AND SINCE SWITCHING THE CAPT'S INSTS TO THE FO'S SEEMED TO CLR THE PROB; WE CONTINUED THE DEP. ODDLY ENOUGH; THE STANDBY ALTIMETER AND AIRSPD INDICATORS; ESPECIALLY THE AIRSPD; WERE ALSO ERRONEOUS. BY THE TIME WE REACHED FL310 ON THE FO'S ALT; THE CAPT'S READ FL300 AND THE STANDBY ABOUT 295. WE HAD NO FLAG OR WARNING LIGHTS AND PROCEEDED FOR SOME TIME; LOOKING AT THE MANUAL; DISCUSSING THE PROB. STEADILY; THE AIRSPDS CLBED TO THE TOP PEG; INDUCING OUR HIGH SPD CLACKER. ALL 3 ALTIMETERS CONTINUED TO DIVERGE; AND WE REALIZED THAT WE DIDN'T KNOW HOW FAST WE WERE GOING; WHAT ALT WE WERE AT; OR IF WE WERE CLBING OR DSNDING. GUESSING OUR ALT; AND USING THE 'LOSS OF RELIABLE AIRSPD' CHKLIST; WE DECLARED AN EMER AND HEADED BACK FOR EWR; MANAGING WITH ATC'S HELP TO 'JOIN UP' WITH 3000 FT LATERAL SEPARATION; WITH AN EWR-BOUND ACR B FLT; GIVING US OUR FIRST IDEA OF SPD AND ALT. OUTSTANDING TEAMWORK AND AIRMANSHIP GOT US ON THE GND; BUT I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANOTHER SUCH SCENARIO. ON THE GND; WE FOUND ABOUT 1 SQUARE INCH PATCHES OF MASKING TAPE VERY NEATLY GLUED OVER ALL STATIC PORTS AND THE CAPT'S AND STANDBY PITOT TUBES. SOMEHOW; IN MY WALKAROUND; I HAD SEEN THESE NEAT TAPES; WHICH LOOKED SO NATURAL; BUT HAD WALKED RIGHT BY THEM. MY EYES HAD TO HAVE SEEN THEM; BUT MY BRAIN DIDN'T GET THE MESSAGE. SUGGEST THAT THE OLD-FASHIONED PITOT COVERS WITH FLAGS BE REQUIRED; AND THAT LONG STREAMERS BE TAPED TO STATIC PORTS; AND/OR GENEROUS STRIPS (NOT TINY PATCHES) OF TAPE BE APPLIED IN BIG 'X' PATTERNS; WITH TAPE OF BRIGHT OR CONTRASTING COLORS. APPARENTLY; 3 OTHER PAIRS OF EYES MISSED THESE PATCHES BEFORE MY WALKAROUND.