B737 CAPTAIN REPORTS UNSATISFACTORY DEICING EXPERIENCE AT HOU.

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AFTER ARRIVAL INTO HOU; I MADE A CHECK OF THE WING FOR COLD SOAKED FUEL. FROM THE CABIN I WAS UNABLE TO CONFIRM IT 100% BECAUSE OF LIGHT RAIN FALLING; IT LOOKED LIKE THERE MAY BE CLEAR ICE ON THE WING. I WENT DOWN TO THE RAMP AND GOT A LADDER TO LOOK AT THE TOP OF THE WING AND COULD TELL THAT YES THERE WAS ICE ON TOP OF THE WING. WE ALSO HAD AN FAA INSPECTOR CONDUCTING A LINE CHECK WHO WANTED TO GO DOWN TO THE RAMP TO SEE THE ICE ALSO. AFTER CONFIRMING THE ICE AND THE TEMPERATURE WAS AROUND 1-2 DEGREES CELSIUS; I FIGURED WE WOULD NEED TO DEICE. I CALLED THE ICEMAN ON THE DEICE FREQUENCY AND CONFIRMED HIS LOCATION. THE ICEMAN WAS VERY HARD TO UNDERSTAND BECAUSE HIS RADIO WAS EXTREMELY WEAK. WE PUSHED BACK JUST A COUPLE OF MINUTES LATE AND PROCEEDED TO THE DEICE AREA. WE PULLED IN FRONT OF THE DEICE TRUCK AND ESTABLISHED COMMUNICATION WITH HIM. THE ICEMAN TOLD US THAT HE WAS USING TYPE 1 FLUID AND THE TEMPERATURE. WE TOLD HIM TO STAND BY. WE BEGAN TO READ THE PRE-DEICE CHECKLIST WHEN I LOOKED OUT AND SAW HIM SPRAYING THE OUTBOARD PORTION OF THE LEFT WING. WE FINISHED THE CHECKLIST AND I TOLD THE FIRST OFFICER TO TELL THE ICEMAN THAT WE ONLY NEEDED TO BE DEICED FOR COLD SOAKED FUEL. I BELIEVE HE ACKNOWLEDGED US. AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES WE SAW THE ICE TRUCK TO THE FRONT AND RIGHT OF US. WE TRIED TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIM FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WITH NO RESPONSE; AND THEN HE JUST CAME ON AND SAID WE WERE GOOD. WE CONFIRMED THAT THE AIRCRAFT WAS CLEAR OF ICE AND HE SAID YES. WE FINISHED THE CHECKLISTS AND STARTED TO TAXI FOR RUNWAY. A FEW MINUTES INTO THE TAXI; I THOUGHT I MIGHT BE ABLE TO SEE SNOW NOW FALLING. THERE WERE ALSO SEVERAL COMPANY AIRCRAFT ASKING THE GROUND CONTROLLER FOR THE CURRENT CONDITIONS AND TOWER WAS STILL REPORTING LIGHT RAIN. WE CONTINUED TO TAXI AND I NOW KNEW THERE WAS DEFINITELY LIGHT SNOW FALLING. WE DECIDED WE WOULD NOW BE BETTER OFF TO RETURN TO THE DEICE PAD TO HAVE THE AIRCRAFT FULLY DEICED BECAUSE ORIGINALLY WE HAD ONLY DEICED FOR COLD SOAKED FUEL. GROUND ADVISED US WE WOULD BE BEHIND A COMPANY AIRCRAFT TAXIING TO THE DEICE PAD. HE WAS TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH THE ICEMAN AND NOT HAVING VERY GOOD LUCK. HE FINALLY ESTABLISHED COMMUNICATION WITH THE ICEMAN AND TAXIED IN TO THE DEICE PAD. ALSO ALONGSIDE OF THIS COMPANY AIRCRAFT WAS SOMEONE DRESSED IN BLACK (IT LOOKED LIKE RAMPER JUMPSUIT). I TOLD THE FIRST OFFICER TO WATCH HIM TO MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T COME IN FRONT OF US. ONCE THE COMPANY AIRCRAFT TAXIED IN TO THE PAD; THIS PERSON STARTED WALKING BACK TO THE RAMP. THE COMPANY AIRCRAFT WAS HAVING A LOT OF DIFFICULTY COMMUNICATING WITH THE ICEMAN ALSO BUT FINALLY FINISHED AND TAXIED OUT. WE PULLED IN TO THE PAD AND THE FIRST OFFICER CONTACTED THE ICEMAN AND TOLD HIM SPECIFICALLY TO WAIT ON SPRAYING THE AIRCRAFT UNTIL WE WERE CONFIGURED AND TOLD HIM IT WAS OK TO. ABOUT 15 SECONDS LATER; HE SPRAYED JUST ABOVE THE COCKPIT WINDOWS. WE TOLD HIM TO WAIT TO CONTINUE WITH DEICING; BUT HE CONTINUED. WE COMPLETED OUR CHECKLISTS AND THE ICEMAN CONTINUED TO SPRAY THE AIRCRAFT. THIS TIME THERE WAS NO MENTION OF THE TYPE OF FLUID; THE START TIME; OR CONFIRMING WE WERE CONFIGURED PROPERLY. AFTER A FEW MINUTES WE SAW THE TRUCK DRIVE IN FRONT OF US WITH THE ICEMAN GIVING A THUMBS UP. MY RESPONSE WAS; WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? NOT KNOWING IF HE COMPLETED OUR AIRCRAFT; RAN OUT OF FLUID; OR IF WE HAD A CLEAN AIRCRAFT; I WASN'T GOING TO GO ANYWHERE. THE DEICE TRUCK DROVE OVER TO AN AIRCRAFT THAT WAS NOW PARKED NEXT TO US. WE CONTINUED TO TRY TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIM. THE COMPANY AIRCRAFT NEXT TO US COMMUNICATED WITH US AND CONFIRMED THAT HE COULD HEAR US AND WE ASKED HIM IF HE GOT IN CONTACT WITH THE ICEMAN; TO ASK HIM IF HE HAD A COMPLETED AND IF HE DID A CLEAN AIRCRAFT CHECK. THERE WAS NOW AN AIRPORT OPERATIONS TRUCK TALKING TO THE ICEMAN WHO WE LATER FOUND OUT WAS TELLING HIM THAT THEY COULD NOT DEICE HERE. WE CONTACTED OPERATIONS AND ASKED IF THEY COULD GET A HOLD OF THE ICEMAN SO HE WOULD TALK TO US. THEY SAID THEY WOULD TRY ONTHE RADIO. A FEW MINUTES LATER THE ICEMAN CONTACTED US AND TOLD US HE DID COMPLETE DEICING AND THAT A CLEAN AIRCRAFT CHECK WAS COMPLETE. THIS DEICE EXPERIENCE WAS A JOKE. THERE WAS ALMOST NO COMMUNICATIONS. THE COMMUNICATIONS THAT DID HAPPEN WERE ON A RADIO THAT WAS NOT VERY CLEAR. THE ICE CREW STARTED TO DEICE THE AIRCRAFT BEFORE WE HAD PROPERLY CONFIGURED. I KNOW HOUSTON DOES NOT NEED TO DEICE VERY OFTEN; BUT IT IS NO EXCUSE NOT TO FOLLOW PROCEDURES.